BROWNIE'S BLOG: 12 MONTHS ON AND I'M STILL TRYING TO COME TO TERMS WITH THAT LIFE CHANGING MOMENT

By Damian Browne | Thursday, January 2, 2020

Brownie’s Blog is the weekly blog of multiple Group 1 winning jockey Damian Browne. In this, his opening salvo for the new year, Brownie gives a very personal view of his experience of the last twelve months and, in doing so, provides a greater, general understanding of what jockeys go through when they move from race-riding to retirement. It makes fascinating reading. This Brownie’s Blog – exclusive to HRO.

What a difference twelve months can make. Tell me about it!

On January 8 last year I was sitting on a horse at the Magic Millions promotional beach gallops totally relaxed, enjoying life and taking it all in just four days before the huge Magic Millions race-day where I was due to ride Boomsara in the Magic Millions three-year-old Guineas.

That was to be the last time I ever sat on horseback.

Next thing I knew I was cheering Boomsara home from my hospital bed after being rushed to hospital where I had undergone surgery to correct a perforated bowel.

Doctors advised me afterwards that the perforated bowel was caused by taking anti-inflammatory medication for leg pain on a relatively empty stomach for a long period of time. That caused an ulcer which flared up and caused a hole. My kidney function was also adversely affected.

They always say twenty-four hours is a long time in racing and that is pretty much what it was … from the highest of the highs to the lowest of the lows in twenty-four to forty-eight hours.

Make no mistake. This was a serious health scare.

There was no warning. I was as fit and healthy as ever an aging man can be … yet things changed very quickly. The doctors did tell me that if I wasn’t as fit and healthy as I was, I possibly wouldn’t have made it so I was very, very lucky in that respect.

To me it only seems like yesterday. It’s hard to believe that twelve months have gone by already.

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That was January and I only announced my official retirement in April.

I think the delay in making that decision was made in some hope. I think I had to give myself the time to process it but I also think I knew in the back of my mind that it was over … but I had other things in my mind that I had to concentrate on before I could really think about my riding.

Obviously, that was my health and my family.

There was a lot to process before I could even think about any retirement side of things which is why it took a good few months to make that decision even though, as I say, in the back of my mind I knew it was over.

To be perfectly honest, I still haven’t come to terms with that retirement decision, as forced upon me as it was.

At night I still dream of riding winners which is what I used to do when I was riding. I used to dream about how I would ride upcoming races … and I am still having those dreams now, so, clearly, subconsciously, I have not come to terms with my position yet.

It is a process I guess that everybody who retires has to go through in their own time.

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Everybody in racing has heard some very sad stories about what happens to some jockeys when they stop riding.

When you go from full on to full stop there are withdrawal symptoms which can include depression.

I certainly had those times early on … particularly when I was sick because I wasn’t able to do anything.

Obviously, I had just lost my profession and my ability to earn and what I felt then was that I had become a burden on my family.

I was just lying around the house all day. I had no energy. I couldn’t do anything. My wife and kids were doing everything for me. When you feel like you are a burden you get into a depressed state of mind which is fuelled by all of the frustration and that guilt factor.

That’s when you really need the support of your family and friends around you and I was very fortunate to have that in my life.

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Beyond my family and friends, I also had some incredible support from the Jockey’s Association.

They put me in touch with the right people. They sent phycologists to see me when I was at my low points.

They were very good and they helped tremendously. You know, I wasn’t up to getting in touch with them. They were getting in touch with me to make sure that I was alright.

They were very concerned and they took all of the steps they could to help me in that way. If any jockey finds themselves in a similar position, I would hope that they too can find some comfort in the fact that this level of help is available to them.

Seemingly little things also make a big difference when you are in those low times.

I remember I was having one of those low days when the Gold Coast Turf Club sent me a postcard with a photo of me standing on the Harley Davidson that we had won one year in the Bat Out Of Hell … and the postcard said they were thinking of me.

That really just picked me up on a day when I needed a positive boost.

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Somewhere though, I obviously I had to get back into the working and earning mode.

In this regard my wife Kim was brilliant. In the twenty-five years we have been together she has always been very good at knowing when to give me my space and when to give me a kick up the bum when I needed it.

The same applied in this instance. She gave me the time when I needed it and then, when she saw I was well enough to start doing something, she basically told me to get off the bloody couch and get going.

Tough love, maybe, but it works for us.

Also, there are times when you draw strength from strange places … and I hope what I’m about to say comes across as it is intended.

One of the things I drew on … and I wish he was never in that position … was the unfortunate situation that Tye Angland, who I respect so much and who has been an inspiration to many, was going through pretty much at the same sort of time as I was having my problems.

Given that comparison between Tye’s position and my own, I clearly had no right to feel sorry for myself … so, when I did, I just thought of Tye and he helped me in this sad circumstance, roundabout manner to pick myself up without even knowing that he was doing so.

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When considering my options moving forward, I looked at absolutely everything I could.

I admit there were times when I just wanted to get away from it all, but I love horses and I love racing. It is all I have ever known since I was a young lad … so I was probably never going to get right out of it … but, in what capacity I could remain in the game … well, that remains the big question.

I’m still feeling my way in that regard. I think it is still going to take a period of time to find out exactly where my niche is … so, for all of the time that has passed, it is still really a day by day process for me.

Currently, I’m trying a variety of things … media, jockey management etc … to find out what really sparks my passion. I not there yet but I’m learning as I go and hopefully will find the right direction.

It really is difficult when you keep on waking up every morning and thinking … I wonder if I can come back, but I think Kim has got that one right as well when she tells me, ‘don’t even bloody think about it.’

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I haven’t sat on a horse since last January.

I’d love to … and I’m sure I’ll get back on one at some stage, just a ride around the beach with the kids or something like that.

The only horse I’ve even gone and patted during this time was Buffering on the farm.

I think that is probably what scares me about doing it. When I have my good days with my legs, if I sit on a horse, I’ll be thinking why can’t I come back? I’ll be alright!

My legs have been pretty good of late. I’ve been pretty fortunate … but I know it can blow up at any time so I have to live with that knowledge and I have to take care accordingly … so riding could forever remain a risk.

Even when the family was out camping this last week … we were playing cricket and swimming and all that sort of thing and my legs were fine, but after a couple of days Kim told me I had better go and sit down and rest. I said, I don’t like doing that, but I got the red card and had to sit it out for a bit.

She was right of course, but that again only goes to show that it might be twelve months since my life changed but I am still struggling to accept some of the simplest restrictions the change has placed on my way of life.

Having said that, I am grateful to be here and grateful for the progress I have made since that serious setback.

If there is a moral in my story it is that you never know when you are well off and you never know what might happen next … so you must try to enjoy and appreciate your life in every moment.

Best wishes to you all for the New Year!

Damian

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